A Change of Heart

This will be a post in which I wax philosophic... Feel free to skip ahead! But I want to take a moment and say, "God is good!" I wasn't thinking that almost eight months ago.

On August 16, 2007 I sat in my mother-in-law's guest bathroom waiting for a minus sign to appear on the little stick I had just peed on. To my utter shock, it was the biggest, brightest positive I have ever seen! In a completely honest moment, my first reacation was... oh, crap... I did not want to be pregnant. I was not expecting to be pregnant. In fact, I took the pregnancy test just so I'd stop wondering if I might be... There were a lot of reasons I could have been late... But not so! I was pregnant!! And not happy. I did not want to tell Patrick (not that he was blameless in this whole episode!). It just was not good timing for us. Caleb was only eight months old. I'd just stopped nursing and was finally getting my body back. We'd spent two ski seasons in Colorado. The first of which I was pregnant with Caleb and the second of which I was recovering from giving birth to Caleb. And now I was going to miss season three! My dad had just been diagnosed with cancer and we were planning an extended stay near him and my mom in Idaho. We were planning a long get away for our 7th anniversary to our honeymoon spot. Now, when we looked at the timing of that, we'd have a three week old at our anniversary - not exactly time for a romantic four or five days away!

I didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant. Patrick thought it was joyful news, but he respected that I wasn't ready so there were quite a few people that didn't find out for some time. I wanted to be happy when I told people we were expecting. There were several mornings I woke up and my first thought was, "oh, I'm pregnant" and my heart would sink. But I finally put my finger on why I was so upset. I didn't want another Hope Baby. The circumstances of finding out about this pregnancy were too similar to when we found out I was pregnant with Daniel.

In November 2003 we found out that Patrick's brother, Jeff had brain cancer. We knew at the diagnosis that the cancer would take his life. We just didn't know if it would be in four months or four years. A month later we found out I was going to have a baby. Everyone labeled Daniel as a Hope Baby -- a joy in the midst of sorrow. Sadly, Jeff passed away just two months after Daniel was born. The first time Patrick's parents met Daniel was at Jeff's funeral. I believe that holding Daniel gave them some small comfort during their time of tremendous loss. Although, now that I have children, I don't know how anything could comfort after the loss of your child.

So... I think when I found out I was pregnant shortly after finding out my dad had cancer... I thought my dad was going to die. My mom's first words when I told her were, "What a blessing during this difficult time." I wanted to scream, "NO, this kid is NOT going to be a blessing! Everything is going to be fine and he is not going to be the source of comfort to all." Just selfish thinking...

But as the months have gone on and my belly has grown and I have felt the kicks inside of me, my heart has softened. God in his goodness has healed my father through the wisdom of his doctors. About three weeks ago I realized that I am deeply in love with my child. I am so excited to have him, and not just to get the pregnancy over with. But truly excited to meet him. So that is why I say God is good -- because he has softened my heart, made me see that his timing is perfect in all things and that new life is ultimately what God is about! New life through babies. New life through His redemptive grace!